More about Our Shadow Side
From the Common English Bible, Mark 4:21-22
21 Jesus said to them, “Does anyone bring in a lamp in order to put it under a basket or a bed? Shouldn’t it be placed on a lamp stand?
22 Everything hidden will be revealed, and everything secret will come out into the open.
Jung and Our Shadow
Within the shadow are hidden many different aspects of our character, most of which we view as negative, but they can also be positive if we have low self-esteem or false beliefs.
A ‘negative’ aspect hidden in the shadow might be:
a desire to show off
As will be clear, there is an element of judgement needed (albeit subconscious) to decide whether something should be in the shadow . For example, if you lived in a pious family, showing off would be frowned upon and so you would hide any urges you had to do so. Whereas in a theatrical family, showing off would be considered positive and so it is unlikely this would be in your shadow.
A ‘positive’ aspect hidden in the shadow might be:
strong mindedness in a girl
In this instance the girl would have been brought up to feel that having too forceful a character was unfeminine and so was very much discouraged by her family, resulting in this aspect of her nature being hidden. But of course a strong will can help us to get through life’s difficulties, so to have one can be a great advantage.
So whether something is in your shadow, or not, depends on how it is judged (and how much we care about the judgement).
There was a guru who was being questioned about the secret to life. After much harassing he eventually gave the answer “I don’t care.” This does not mean that he had a lack of compassion or was deliberately negligent, it means that he didn't care about what others say or do, or their opinion of him and his actions.
When I was little I was always afraid of being told off for being a bad girl; always doing what I thought would make me look good. But my brother never seemed to care, he would breeze through life, often getting into trouble, but it never appeared to bother him. At the time I thought that I was the clever one, looking back I can see that he was the wise one.
If we live according to our own discernment, we will be compassionate, we will help where we want to, but all the decisions come from our own discernment and not what someone, or something, says we should do. Inside all of us is an inbuilt set of rules - we all know not to kill, not to steal, not to lie. But through not being in touch with our True Self we find it easy to ignore our inner knowing.
Polarities
The shadow may become clearer when we consider polarities.
For every aspect of our life where we ‘have an issue’, we will have a shadow and therefore a polarity. 
For example, if ‘tidiness’ is a thing for me - I feel that it is important to be tidy - then somewhere within me is the shadow that represents the opposite of this. It is hidden, because I don’t want to admit that it is part of me. That means that I have a side of myself that I want to show the world - my tidiness - and a side that I hide (maybe even from myself) my untidiness.
It is important to be aware that there can be a lot of subtlety in defining the poles. For example, what is the opposite of tidy? Untidy of course. But perhaps the thing for me is not so much being tidy, as being ordered, in which case the opposite would be disordered. In this case, I would always have things in order (maybe labelled or colour coded) in my house and a very neat and tidy pile of books, out of order, would not be something I liked.
The good thing about polarities is that they can steer you towards finding your shadow side and therefore knowing your True Self better. Anything that irritates you - anything that is a thing for you - is telling you that you have both polarities. Yes both!
At this point I have to admit that in the early days of learning about the shadow side there were many times when I would find some issue and say “Oh no, I haven’t got that in me!” But of course I have. However my wish to reject that aspect of my being was so strong that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge it.
Finding your True Self is not always easy, or comfortable.
It might also help to consider what is not a thing for you. Some people feel that it’s important to be on time; being late is a heinous crime. When we think about people from different countries we often attribute national character traits to them; we joke about how Germans love to be early, Britains love to be exactly on time and the French always stroll in late. But maybe being on time doesn’t bother you too much. Whether someone is a bit early, on time or a bit late is not really an issue for you and so it doesn’t stir up any feelings one way or the other for you.
The Double dumbbell
When first considering polarities I envisaged a dumbbell with the polarities at either end and the pole between them being the issue.
How Hard You Work
lazy hard working
However, working through more and more issues it became apparent that judgement really does colour all of this and for just about every case there is a double dumbbell.
How Hard You Work
lazy/conserving energy hard working/ workaholic
Now the judgement becomes more apparent. Perhaps someone who is not working hard is, in fact, conserving their energy. Society teaches us to admire hard work, but is gradually recognising that being a workaholic is not so healthy.
By seeing the whole picture this way it is much easier to accept our shadow side and to let go of the whole issue. In the How Hard You Work instance the issue is created by societal norms and we are quite at liberty to reject them. Other issues are often created by standards we have adopted from our parents, schools, communities and so on, all of which are not ours necessarily but we have adopted as such. For example good girls never make a fuss or men don’t cry.
Of course you may feel that judging by these standards is the right approach for you, and that is fine. The important thing is that you make sure that they are your judgements from your own discernment, and not those that you have taken on without much thought.
As a final note, it is easy to demonise any polarity:
e.g. you work too hard or you always put other people ’s needs in front of your own.
So we might try and compensate by making ourselves the exact opposite:
e.g. always lounging around or being selfish
The point is, both polarities are extremes, so neither is the ideal place to be. The best place to be is in the centre at the point of balance - where the issues is no longer an issue for you.
Mirroring
If we have hidden something in our shadow, then we don’t want to consciously admit to it, therefore finding it and owning up to it can be uncomfortable and even difficult.
Take laziness. At work, and at home, I have always worked very hard, so much so that it has been commented on many times what a hard worker I am; so of course that is what I always believed. Then one day I realised how irritated I was by someone lounging around on the sofa doing nothing. Suddenly I could sense that my annoyance was not really in proportion to how things were - why on earth was I so cross? It dawned on me that how hard someone works is a thing for me.
And of course that means that within me, super well hidden, is a lazy side to my character. Something that took a while to acknowledge as being true. All those years I had been working hard to show the world (and myself) that I was not lazy. Because somewhere in my head I felt that lazy was BAD and hard working was GOOD. A judgement.
But this episode also showed me about mirroring. Inside, our True Self wants to be known and acknowledged so points out reality to us by mirroring our True Self in other people.
Said another way, our energy attracts the energy of the people around us, so the people around us reflect what is inside of us.
This is lovely for the ‘good’ bits - our kind, generous, loving friends reflect our own kind, generous, loving nature - but not so much for the ‘not-so-good’ bits that are probably hidden in our shadow side. Because as we now know, if something is hidden in our shadow then we have judged it as ‘bad’ and don’t want it.
The good news is that once we fully accept our whole self, then the issue is no longer a thing for us and so we no longer attract that behaviour in other people around us. But that may be a little way off yet….
Activity
Similar to the previous activity, over the next week, note down when someone does something that you notice, only this time when you admire it.
Think about their behaviour. Can you recognise it in you?
What is the issue about this situation?
And finally, can you find your shadow side in this? because both the thing that you see and ‘like’ as well as the opposite that you ‘don’t like’ will be within you.
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